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She moaned. I can’t exactly remember why. It might’ve been stiffled laughter.
-Jesus Christ she never makes those sounds when I am her office! said a voice coming from the corridor.
She laughed. I just stood in front of her desk with my hand in my pockets. He looked at me.
-I’ve been with the same woman for far too long. I can’t do anything like that standing so far from them.
That must be it, I responded. Imagine if I had been using my hands.
- Yeah, whatever, he said as he made his way into the men’s bathroom. Unfortunately, I did not get to hear the rest of his ramble.
J’ai lu ces mots sur une jolie carte sur laquelle je suis tombé en réaménageant mon bureau. J’ai toujours aimé la passion et l’urgence que son écriture évoquait. Je n’aurai plus la chance de lire de nouveaux mots d’elle, une perte, peut-être, qu’elle n’aura pas à vivre puisqu’elle a accès à ces paragraphes très publics
Je ne sais plus ce que nous sommes, ce que nous représentons l’un pour l’autre. Je sais que je dois m’habituer à ne plus jamais les voir, elle et son fils. Ce n’est pas une tâche facile. Je pense souvent à eux, des souvenirs surgissant de nulle part de façon innatendu, pendant quelques minutes. J’ai du enlever de la porte du réfrigérateur le dessin qu’il a réalisé en guise de remerciement pour son cadeaux d’anniversaire, le rappel constant de cette perte devenant trop difficile. Je l’ai donc glissé dans mon passeport, comme l’unique motivation au voyage.
Durant l’été j’en suis venu à la réalisation qu’elle avait peut-être raison. Je n’aurai jamais pû m’éloigner de cette nature pour aller vivre dans cette jungle étouffante d’asphalte qu’elle habite. Je ne me suis jamais senti aussi vivant, en paix et uni avec l’univers qu’en me brûlant sur mon vélo au milieu des arbres. Je ne suis jamais en colère ou impatient durant ces heures précieuces.
Si je n’avais pas été si matérialiste, j’aurais tout abandonné en pensant “le Seigneur me soutiendra”. C’est ce qu’elle me demandait après tout. Je n’ai jamais eu la foi et je suis un pragmatiste. Je ne prends pas ce genre de décision de façon impulsive mais de façon réfléchie. J’imagine que cela ne fait pas de moi un romantique.
“Sadder still to watch it die than never to have known it”, dit une vieille chanson. Nous regarder mourrir fut très triste. Nous sommes morts lentement, trop lentement.
Alors, pourquoi me manque-t-elle tant?
5 Octobre: J’ai réalisé, après lui avoir parlé jeudi dernier, que finalement, elle me manque beaucoup moins que je le pensais. Je suis heureux qu’elle ait finalement gagné la garde de son fils, mais plus j’y pense, plus elle m’aurait rendu malheureux et complètement dingue avec sa manie du secret.
I wake next to her. If by chance her back is turned to me, I gently slide my arm under her pillow, careful not to wake her, and wrap my other arm around to snuggle up against her. A kiss on her shoulder or her neck and back to sleep again. If by chance she is facing me, I will look upon her sweet face and wait until she slowly emerges from her slumber, eyes blinking. Then she may look at me and smile. And there, right at that moment when she smiles, she becomes my personal sunrise and everything is warmer and brighter. I move closer to kiss her. The first kiss of the day, full of possibilities. The first long kiss of a perfect day.
Sit. Write. Vacation over. Never got to see her. Crickets chirping. Cars going by. Many cars. Flowers dying. Dirt. Grass. Drop of water. Blue sky and a few clouds. My handwriting is shitty. Doesn’t matter. Leaves have started to change colour. It’s still warm tho. Another drop. The sun behind the cedars. Am I happy? I don’t know. Cyclist passing by. Butterfly. Motorcycle. Pickup truck with a load of wood. Cars. Another drop. I wonder what she’s doing. I miss her. Like I’ve always missed her. Don’t dwell. Birds. Another drop. Upstair’s neighbour making noises on balcony. Cars. Someone walking a cat. Weird. I might get a cat. No wait. That’s no cat that’s a space station. Heh. nah it’s a small dog. It’s hard to tell from here. I don’t think a cat would let itself be lead by a leash. A spider walking sideways. A small spider. Tiny spider. I hope she’s ok. I can’t help but wonder why. What happened? I guess I’ll never know. Silence now, except for the crickets. Car. Car. Car. Another drop, I wonder where it’s coming from. Truck in the distance. Diesel engine. Everything seems so still. Why? Birds. Gas guzzling SUV. Truck. Why? I miss her. Get up.
So quiet too cold quite numb almost dead sadly missing always sad never angry mostly bored often tired currently clueless certainly hopeful staring at the blue sky clouds rolling by beautiful clouds lovely sunset i don’t wanna die just yet typically laid back silently screaming violently falling profusely bleeding it looks like it’s going to rain again
Numb. Sunlight coming thru my eyelids. I can see the ladybug making her way on the floor. Strange. I swear I picked her up and threw her outside. Crawling in the shadows. Maybe I want to move, I’m not really sure, but I can’t. Too numb. Laydybug now on it’s back. Small legs frantically moving against the air, in a rush of panic, trying to use her wings to flip herself back up. So much effort for nothing. Numb. Weight on chest. Pain. Cannot move. Head pounding. Pain in chest again. Sleepy. So sleepy. Something like peace. I wonder if dying feels like this. She’s walking again. Going for the door. A part of me wants to crush her, another part wishes I could get up and put her outside again. Can’t move. Breathe. Why does my head feel so heavy? Spasms. Pain. Numb. Sunligth so warm and soothing. Take an aspirin. No…can’t move…too difficult…Sunlight fading…I can’t see the ladybug now…She’s free. Sleep… Sleep…Dream.
I see a little silhouetto of a pope
he has died he has died there’s nothing else on the tv
the painting and the cleaning very very tiring
damned condo damned condo
damned condo damned condo
damned condo magnifico
I’m just a bored man need to get a sofa
He’s just a bored man with no big screen tv
Spare him his life for this monstruosity
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a remote put aside for me,for me,for me-
Do I think that it is possible for a consciousness to just disappear? Does consciousness just appear at birth or conception? If the body dies, does that mean the mind dies?
Before I was born, I didn’t exist. When I die, I won’t exist. Is it as simple as that? When I die, my consciousness will just vanish. I will disappear. Just like everything else disappears when I close my eyes. Like a lightbulb being switched off. A spark and then eternal silence.
Frost. Bitter, mind numbing cold. Each world, up there, sparkling in the darkness, so far away, so breathtakingly beautiful. Like the smile on your sweet face when you wake up next to me. I wish you here. Now.
And the stars looking down on us, the stars, the stars.
Mes mains passent la nuit à chercher ton corps de braise
Chaque jour, à l’éveil, j’ouvre les yeux, pleins d’espoir
Et j’étends mon bras, cherchant vainement l’autre côté du lit, vide. Froid.
Ta voix me manque, ton souffle, tes yeux, tes lèvres
Ton rire espiègle et ta sagesse me sont de précieux compagnons
Tu es si loin mais chaque visite m’empli de bonheur et de souvenirs
to be finished
